In case you haven't noticed, poker is taking
over the world. A friend of mine stopped eating in order to devote 17
hours a day to playing Texas HoldEm on the Internet.
The rest of his time is spent watching poker
on TV. It's on more than Donald Trump, and even more popular. USA Today
devoted half a front page to poker last week, so you know it's
officially reached critical cultural mass.
Among the disturbing statistics -- kids who
gamble are 50 percent more likely to binge drink, and 75 percent more
likely to smoke marijuana. And judging from this quote, a few parents
are joining them.
This is obviously getting out of control.
The occasional game with the boys or girls is one thing. But if this
were 25 years ago, we'd suspect the Rooskies had secretly infected the
U.S. with a poker virus that will render us defenseless and eventually
melt our brains.
It's 2004, however, so we can blame ESPN.
The network is even doing a movie about poker. You'll undoubtedly see a
"Tilt" promo every 45 seconds for the next month.
Poker's seminal moment came at the
aforementioned World Series. A guy named Chris Moneymaker (no joke) took
the big prize. He'd never won a live tournament before but had honed his
skills on the Internet.
Imagine the Tiger Woods video game champ
winning the Masters. Moneymaker's win inspired a generation to believe
any schmoe can become poker's James Bond.
You don't have to be big or fast or even a
BALCO client to be a star. And you can forget the argument whether
participants are athletes. Based on Tuesday's two-year-old video, I'm
not even sure any of them are still alive.
"Dan Harrington is still a force to be
reckoned with," the announcer said.
I can't be sure, but it looked as if Dan had
just eaten the dealer. It would be easy to make fun of the players'
physical condition or clothing or mirrored sunglasses, but that would
miss the point.
I sure wouldn't want to play
Texas HoldEm
against them. But I would rather do that than
watch them play against each other.
Poker is like soccer or running or dating.
The fun is in the doing, not the watching. Moneymaker engaged in a
HoldEm showdown with Phil Ivey, "The man to beat," according to Mr.
Announcer.
According to my notes, Ivey drew a straight
on the river. Moneymaker called, and was so disgusted he yanked his
shades off to reveal he had no eyes. He needed an ace on the final card.
He got it!
"The great Phil Ivey is exiting," the
announcer said.
And this beats Manning-to-Harrison?
I wanted to yell that the emperor has no
clothes. But I didn't even want to think about the
Texas HoldEm
players being naked.
Maybe poker madness is just a fad, destined
to burn out when the next hip thing comes along. But if you want your
kids to avoid getting sucked in, there's one pretty safe bet.
Make them watch.
