TEXAS HOLDEM ONLINE POKER

Vijay and Ernie, the World No. 1 and 2, respectively, are facing off in Scotland, but they can't match Tiger and Elin's star power. And the PGA Tour is making little or no bid for the headlines. The only top-four name here in Vegas is Phil Mickelson. It's sort of like the Rat Pack-era Sands dimming the lights and presenting... Joey Bishop.

True, there have been some early week divertments. Vegas resident Chris Riley, for whom this tournament is a seven-day block party, met the press on Tuesday, faced the Ryder Cup music, and charmed his way to absolution for his perceived Motown sins. (Lefty, alas, has been more or less underground. Maybe he's over at UNLV giving a guest seminar on how to undo, in three days of international match play, five months of positive post-Masters publicity.)

Potentially intriguing were the short-order inquisitions of Tiger SuperFriends like Scott McCarron, Charlie Howell, Jesper Parnevik and Stuart Appleby -- each of whom, sadly, pled ignorance about goings-on in Barbados. The only noteworthy tidbit came from McCarron, who says he talked to Mark O'Meara on Monday, learning that Marko and John Cook were the sole tour-pro wedding attendees.

With engaging storylines in short supply, the gaming capital, to its credit, helped fill the void by offering up an off-the-wall surprise. Indeed, the biggest name in the tournament -- at least to the locals -- may not be Riley, or even Mickelson, but Phil Hellmuth.

This week, the infamous "Poker Brat"-- who in 1989, at age 24, became the youngest-ever winner of the main event at the World Series of Poker-- is caddying for Corey Pavin.

The couple couldn't be odder. Pavin has long been one of the most gentlemanly, unassuming players in the game. Hellmuth, on the other hand, is poker's answer to John McEnroe. Tabled with lesser players, he never fails to berate them for strategic miscues. When he loses, he's constitutionally unable to acknowledge he's been outplayed. His signature line: "I guess if luck weren't involved, I'd win every hand."

If nothing else, Pavin's taking Hellmuth on as a bagman indicates the degree to which Texas Holdem poker-mania now prevails on Tour. Although few will admit to playing, World Series of Poker and World Poker Tour telecasts have come to rival SportsCenter as must-see hotel room viewing. Anecdotal illustration: Chris DiMarco telling me, early on Tuesday evening at the John Deere Classic, that I'd have to interview him on the phone that night, because he was rushing back to his hotel to watch the WSOP on ESPN.

Pavin, in his words, hasn't "played a hand for money since I was about 12." Yet he's lately become a TV poker addict, and was thrilled when, two months ago, a mutual friend, noted infotech gazillionaire Carl Wescott, introduced him to Hellmuth at Wescott's home in Beaver Creek, Colo.

Part of that Colorado visit was a day at nearby Eagle Trace Golf Club. "The whole round we talked Texas Holdem poker and golf," Hellmuth recounts. "At some point, he said, 'You know, I'd like to come watch you play.'

"I said, 'Well, I'd like to watch you play.' So he said, 'Well, how about the first week of October, at the tournament in Las Vegas? Wanna caddie for me?"

(Yes, there was a bet involved in their match, with Hellmuth, who claims an 18 handicap, getting a stroke per hole. Yet the sum that changed hands at the end of the round was miniscule, Pavin says. "He wanted to play for thousands of dollars a hole, but I didn't want to take all his money.")

On Wednesday, the two reunited for a practice round-cum-caddying lesson at the TPC at the Canyons. Hellmuth announced his on-site presence early: his first stop was the pro shop, where he bought a $2 tube of lip balm with a $100 bill, and tipped an assistant pro $20.

Pavin teed it up with fellow UCLA alum McCarron, whose caddie, Rich Mayo, coached Hellmuth through his first nine as a pro jock. But after they made the turn, poker talk dominated the conversation. The shift in focus was largely the fault of 20-year vet Blaine McCallister, who joined the quartet on the 10th hole.

"I'm a big fan of yours!" McCallister cried when introduced to Hellmuth. "Anybody who can talk s--- like you do and get away with it has got to be my man."

Hellmuth smiled, and flashed a sense of humor as strong as his self-confidence. "Are you sure you're thinking of the right guy?" he asked.

McCallister wasn't kidding when he said he was a fan. Hole after hole, he rehashed Hellmuth's most memorable tirades, like the one that followed his loss to Annie Duke at this year's WSOP Tournament of Champions. "Let's see if I can get this right," he ventured. "'I can't believe she bleep-bleep-bleepity-bleeped me!'"

While Pavin snuck in tips on flag-tending and greenside bag placement, McCallister and McCarron rode Hellmuth hard, stressing how important it would be for him to subdue his loudness of mouth. The three cardinal rules of caddying, they reminded him, are Show Up, Keep Up, and Shut Up.

"That last one," McCallister cracked, "is going to be really tough on you."

Added McCarron, "You're only allowed to say three things: 'You were right, boss,' 'I was wrong, boss,' and 'You really got screwed there, boss,'" the last to be employed when a putt inexplicably fails to drop.

In the end, the Brat turned out to be the life of the party, obligingly rehearsing stories of bad beats and crazy bets, and even contributing to golf lore, revealing at one point that poker legend Doyle Brunson was one of Ray Floyd's backers in his storied late '60s match against then-unknown El Paso CC employee Lee Trevino.

As for Hellmuth's fee for the week, he's pledged to hand over his share of any winnings to Pavin's regular man, Eric Schwartz. In a sense, Hellmuth is even paying Pavin, helping broker a potential (and potentially controversial) hat deal with an Internet poker site that is one of Hellmuth's sponsors.

The sponsorship agreement, should it be signed, wouldn't knock Tiger and Elin off of the headlines. But the shrieks coming from Tour headquarters in Ponte Vedra Beach would be so loud they'd probably be audible in Barbados.